I’m coming back on here because I feel like I need to be honest with everyone right now, most of all to myself. I have been in denial for more than a decade but it really hit home today. I’m not just sick. I am disabled. And that is so painful to admit.
I want to think that my physical pain, emotional distress, exhaustion, and everything else that comes with being me are just temporary but they aren’t, and trying to do everything else like everyone else just isn’t possible. I feel like I’m failing all the time trying to keep up with my peers and the truth is I am always going to feel like a failure when I compare myself to well people. I just am.
A bunch of friends have told me recently that I look tired or like I don’t feel well and I’ve been taking it really personally. I like to think I’m good at hiding my depression and pain, but now I know I just need to own it. I don’t feel good and it’s okay to let it show because trying to hide it is just adding to the exhaustion. I’m not going to be ashamed of crying at the drop of a hat because my depression is spiraling and my physical pain is out of control. I’m not going to be ashamed of not wearing makeup because I just don’t have the energy. I’m just going to own it.
So there. I’ve come clean. And I started writing again, which I was scared to do after being absent for so long. I’m going to try to post here more regularly again. Hopefully it helps.
xxoo